ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
