remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My feet surprised me
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