I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
This is the high leading the old right now
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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