Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
