He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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