Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
