I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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