why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
