I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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