Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
