I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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