If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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