I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
