I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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