So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
