from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize