i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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