why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
