I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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