i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
