Swine flu. Run for my life!
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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