If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
