she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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