They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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