FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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