Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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