My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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