Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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