I wanna passion pit in your ass
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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