Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
