Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
