so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The best revenge is premature balding
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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