Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
