you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
