saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
now i know why i became what i already was.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I think a kid would responsible me up
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
