yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
