Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize