every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I checked into jail on foursquare
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
