He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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