dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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