atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
