You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
