He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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