K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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