Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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