I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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