my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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