It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
