My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
