he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
