thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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