last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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