Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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