i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I am one with the molecules
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize