1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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