i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I did not marry a roomba.
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