yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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