my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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