I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
