Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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