I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
