Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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