I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
