I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
