I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
