I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
well you can't waste a boner
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
