and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
