dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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