Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
