I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
