I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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