What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
