her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
