There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
