Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
