end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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