During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
