I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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