If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
